Sometimes, a friendship can feel
as close as family. However, just as with family, maintaining the relationship
takes work. By doing things together, supporting each other, and reciprocating
each other, you can build a lifelong friendship.
v Deepening Your Friendship :
Ø Get to
know each other better. When strengthening a
friendship, self-disclosure is key to making it a deep friendship. It’s that
vulnerability that allows you to get to know them, and for them to know you.
Any lasting friendship with your best friend should include some of this. It’s
okay to have boundaries, but being vulnerable deepens friendships. Let them know your struggles. You
might say, "I'm really struggling with my body image." You might be
surprised by what you both share.
Ø Never make assumptions about your best
friend. They are
always growing, as are you. And however similar the two of you are, it is
important to remember that they are different from you. Supporting those
differences is as important as reveling in the things you share. As you grow,
the dynamics of the friendship may change. If you are open to those changes,
you are well on your way to making the friendship last.
Ø Spend quality time together. Quality time is very important for maintaining a friendship.
Whether it’s online or in person (or on the phone), it’s very important to
check in with your best friend regularly. Whether you talk about your day, your
work, or your love life, meaningful conversation on a regular basis between you
two will strengthen the relationship.
Ø Build trust. Trust
is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. Trust is built on
more than simply telling the truth. It is about being there when your friend
needs you, keeping secrets, and respecting your friend’s identity.
Ø Find things you both love to share. By sharing things you love, you will find new ways to interact
with each other. And you will also deepen the friendship. Shared interests are
key to lasting friendships. Sharing more important the interests is more likely
to deepen the friendship. For instance, sharing similar world views will be
more important than having the same taste in clothing or coffee.
Ø Support your best friend. Whether it's a community ball game in which they are participating
or a huge project at work, it's important to support your best friend in their
accomplishments, as well as in their trials. Even good things, like winning a
huge award, can be stressful. It's important to recognize that you both might not
handle the situation the same. Listening to them during a crisis can be the
most important thing.One important way to support your best friend is through
verbal affirmations. You might say, "I'm so glad that you got the
award," or "It's great that you are making the most of a bad
situation." Affirmations can also be simply letting them know you're there
for them.
v Maintaining Contact
Ø Call them regularly. This
is especially important if a friend moves away. Checking frequently assures
them that you care. It shows that you want to know about their lives even when
they are not with you.Even if a friend moves out of
the country, there are apps that enable to you call each other, even on your
phone (if you have a smartphone).
Ø Make the
most of phone calls. It is important not only
that you call them regularly but also make sure you are not distracted when you
call. You can tell when someone is distracted on the phone, and if a friend
always seems distracted, it can make you feel like they aren’t really interested
in talking to you. Making time for the calls is also important, as it allows
for deep conversations to happen rather than just the basic updates. Instead of asking yes or no questions,
or surface-level questions, you may ask things like, "What do you think
you want out of your life?" or "Where are you on ..." and fill
in the question with some important event that's been going on in their life.
Similarly, respond to your friend's questions with more than one- or two-word
answers.
Ø Meet in person. Whenever
possible, meet in person. If your best friend lives in the same city, great!
Meet them every week or more often if it suits both your interests and
schedule. If they life out of town, try to make a point of scheduling time to
meet when you are both in the same city or can afford to travel. If you're in
school together, try your best to have some out of school time together.
Ø Try to be
available when you can. This one is hard. When our
life gets busy, it is easy to get so wrapped up in our own problems and routine
that we forget to make time for our best friend. However, it is extremely
important to do this, if you want to keep the friendship going. Friends will
understand if you are sometimes busy or if there are times in your life when
you can’t make the time, but if you are always too busy for your friend, you
may want to re-evaluate your priorities.
Ø Use online connections when you can’t call. Keeping in touch via social media is
common even when you live in the same place. It can augment your face-to-face
interactions, and help you keep in touch when you can’t see each other. In long
distance friendships, social media can be a way to keep in touch daily, even
when time zones and schedules don’t allow for regular calls.
Ø Use video chat when possible. Video chat can be the next best thing to talking in person. While
not everyone’s connection is fast enough to support video chat, if yours is,
you should take advantage of it. Video chat allows you see and hear your
friend.
Ø Use other
communication apps if you are differently abled. Video chat allows for signing and lip-reading. There also apps for
dictation, closed captions, and text-to-speech communication. Using these apps
will help you keep in touch with your best friend.
v Working Through Conflict
Ø Stay calm. Every
long relationship involves conflict at some point. Staying calm will allow you
to really hear the other person’s concerns. It will also make them more likely
to listen to you, as well as help you avoid saying anything you’d regret.
Ø Identify the problem. Sometimes
the problem is what the fight starts out about, and sometimes it’s merely a
symptom of a larger issue. It can be as simple as miscommunication, or as large
as difference in world view. Figuring out what the problem is, though, will put
you on the path to resolving it.
Ø Listen to your friend. This
is especially important when dealing with conflict. A falling out can be what
causes best friends to end their relationship. Listen with your friend’s best interest
at heart, as well as your own. This will help you move toward resolution.
Sometimes, simply saying, "I hear you" or "I understand"
can be enough to make them feel heard. Other times, it's useful to ask
questions that summarize their concerns like "So when you say that what I
said hurt your feelings, you didn't know that I meant the best?"
Ø Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. When you begin all statements in a
conflict with “you,” such as “You did this” or “You were the one,” etc., you
set a tone of blaming right from the start. Using “I” statements allows you to
express your feelings in a conflict without immediately jumping to blame. For
instance, you can say, “I felt that what you said hurt me deeply” instead of
"You said that to hurt me.
Ø Take responsibility for your role in the conflict. This is incredibly important in
maintaining any relationship. If you begin to blame everything on your friend
in a conflict, you will be distancing yourself from them. And they will feel
like you don’t have their best interest at heart. If you know what you did
helped lead to the problem, admit it.When taking responsibility, it's important
not to give a half-hearted apology. Just as with politicians who never admit
wrong, it's easy to see through an apology. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry
that you were offended by what was said," say, "I'm sorry that I hurt
you." It's harder than copping out of an apology, but ultimately it will
help keep the friendship strong.
Ø Try to
find a solution that works for both of you. Don’t
try to win. Winning means that someone loses, and that’s not a great place for
any relationship to be. Learning to compromise on an issue will help too, as it
can help you see where you and your friend’s interests align.Avoid saying things like "I told you
so," or "You see, I'm right." Instead say, "I'm glad we
worked this out.
Ø Seek
professional help, when necessary. Trained
mediators can help you resolve conflict. Professional therapists might give you
insight into why a problem or conflict arises, as well as your role in the
conflict. There are now even friendship counseling options available.Asking a friend to seek counseling with you
can be a difficult step. Ask them what they think might be helpful first, and
explain what you hope to get out of therapy. Doing so will make them see that
you don't see therapy as a cop-out but as a way to deepen and repair your
relationship.
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